Should I Care If Anybody Read This ?

This is a post about why I write, to clarify my inner motivation. When I write I automatically picture a generic reader. It helps me formulate consistent sentences, I think. Writing down my thoughts helps me structure them, and that is my main motivation. Again, I think. Starting a blog is also driven by an urge to express myself, otherwise I would just write on paper and put it in a drawer, and I am not sure how that works if nobody reads what I write… Oh well. The point is to write, not to get readers. I feel I have a contribution to make, and whether the worlds wants it or not is not really my concern. Here it is… Some thoughts coming from my mind through the ether to you, my reader (yes, you!).

I don´t know you. Heck, sometimes I don´t even know myself, so how could I? In essence we are all the same, we just have different roles to play in this game called life. My role obviously includes some writing, and yours apparently includes reading what I write, at least this once. Please feel free to subscribe if you want to make a habit of it. Not that I promise to make a habit out of writing, honestly, I don´t know where this is going. I just accept this as part of my path in this instance. Tomorrow, we´ll see what happens. Now, I hit publish.

Random Thoughts on Pain

Some days the meaning of life evades me. You do your thing, think your thoughts, live your life, but what is the point? The pain is right under the surface, ready to be noticed, to be felt, to be recognized – if you dare… What is the meaning of pain? Pain in a yoga pose, pain in your heart, painful memories that fly through your mind, forgotten pain resurfacing? It is to remind you of the power of letting go! The urge to let go! To knock your head with a hammer so that you do not, once again, fall asleep. Sometimes I wonder, is there anybody out there? I know the answer ;;; NO, nobody is *out there*. It is all about the *in here*. Well, sometimes I also wonder, is there anybody in here? Then, all I need to do, is listen… to what the pain is telling me.

31 Shades of White

A year has passed since the last time I wrote anything here. Remembering back I can say that the One White Month experience was a success. So much so that I intend to repeat it this August also. Maybe I will make a yearly habit…

Today is already day 2 of this experiment in whiteness. So far it is going pretty good, although there is a slight tint to the perfectly white intention.

Log for day 1:
– alcohol: NONE
– caffeine: A few cups of black coffee and tea
– sugar: YES, I shared a chocolate bar with my daughter
– too much TV: A movie with the kids
– overworking: NOPE
– overeating: NOPE
– negative talk + thinking: NOPE
– unhealthy snacks: (se under “sugar”…)

One White Month

After a long and relaxing holiday with plenty of wining and dining I decided to make August a white month. Not only excluding alcohol, but also caffein, sugar, negative thinking, etc.

The extended list made it feel more like an exciting experiment and less like a sacrifice. I am truly curious about how it effects me to leave out certain things from my diet and life for a period. By taking a break from these habits I get a new chance to see in what way these substances influence my life, and then choose again.

I love a glass of wine or two as much as anybody, but find it hard not to progressively increase consumption over time. The enjoyable glass of wine once in while after the kids were asleep had somehow turned into nearly half a bottle nearly every day… Noticing how this reduced the quality of sleep, among other undesirable side effects, I finally realised that I had created myself one heck of a bad habit.

After this realisation had sunk in it was time to kick the old habit(s) out the door and introduce a few new ones.

practicing_selfrestraintWHITE MONTH:
– alcohol
– caffeine
– sugar
– too much TV
– overworking
– overeating
– negative talk + thinking
– unhealthy snacks

Hiking+ green tea and alcohol-free beer
+ Yoga and meditation
+ exercise
+ hiking in nature
+ fruits, vegetables, juice
+ deliberate speech
+ enough sleep, enough food, enough drink
+ structure and discipline
+ positive relations with others

On the positive side I have a lot of nice things to enjoy; green tea, yoga, meditation, healthy foods, etc. It is great to focus on what I can do instead of what I can´t (or rather won´t) and I´m discovering that I love tasty salads and steaming hot herbal tea more than I expected.

On the halfway mark I feel good about my achievement so far, but also I worry a bit about what I´m going to do come September. Will I fall back into the bad habits or will I manage to live more balanced and healthy? Only time will tell, but first I have another fortnight left of my experiment. Wish me luck.

Spiritual Teachers

guru_meditatingI always found comfort in the promise that when you are ready you will find your spiritual teacher, or he/she will find you. Naturally I imagined this would be a person of flesh and blood. As I am living in a rather remote corner of the Western world this seemed a bit mysterious, even more so given that I am drawn to the spiritual teachings of the Eastern world…

But once I opened up to the Truth I discovered I could find teachers everywhere, well maybe not everywhere, but at least several places. I recognize Truth and lessons in the teachings of Jesus, as well as those of Buddha. And why not since there can only be one Truth, and contradictory “truths” are really just systems of belief, constructed to guide people towards the Truth (at best) or as a means to control them (at worst).

The Prophets were holders of the Truth, and they were special in the respect that they had experienced the essence of our existence; not just understood it, but realized it through and through. Other than that they were ordinary human beings just like all of us. I started going to church to remind myself that Truth is actually here, but there is a lot of confusion as well.

The ultimate place to look for Truth is within, if the blabbering mind could keep still once in a while. The spiritual teachers have always been here, only I´ve been blind to the fact. Once ready for it the Truth reveals itself somehow, and all anyone has to do is pay attention.

Adyashanti is a modern day prophet who speaks of Truth, and amazingly his teaching is freely available to anyone who is connected to the Internet. Not as mysterious as I thought it would be, but maybe that isn’t such a bad thing…

Self realization

Self realization is actually about realizing that most of what you consider to be your “self” is an illusion… Just layer upon layer that are better pealed away. Everything we identify with; our thoughts, our feelings, the roles we play, our ideas and creations, our bodies, and so forth, are such “layers”. We need them to navigate in this world, but they are not identical with our true self.

Here is a poem I wrote a few years ago on this subject:


Windowpane reflections

Passing by I look for myself in windowpane reflections
But I don’t recognize the person looking back at me
All I see is a woman hurrying – somewhere – looks important
I cannot see me in there

What is so important that I left myself behind?

Sitting down on a bench I search the thoughts flowing through my mind
For some sign of my true presence
Is that me obsessing about work, or enjoying the sunset before me?

Feeling depressed by my limited scope, recognizing only issues
I lose myself in the scenery…
The sky and the sun painting their watercolor palette,
Dissolving into the lush green forest,
Diving into the cool embracing waters

Taking in the whole picture
The ever present, ever changing, beauty of it all
I discover myself

Feeling fulfilled and rested I get up to go
Slipping away from the present moment again
Continuing to search for myself in windowpane reflections

Stream of thought

I just finished writing an about page for this site, and now I am writing my first post. I intend to use this site as a means to practice conscious writing. Not as a presentation for some critical (imaginary) audience. I write under a nick, not because my identity is a secret, but as a signal that this site is not really about me. It is a place for me to explore, play around, and talk about things that are on my mind. Blogging originated as a place to log your journal. 🙂